You could have it all. My empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt.

Connections and Friends

2009-07-09T19:13:00.000-07:00

In the last few months, this issue has been more and more pressing as time passes. I know I've never really been on the same page as anyone else. I never had the same high school experiences, or college experiences and i'm alright with that. ive made my choices and have owned up to every single one. i dont regret anything... but the more and more i become independent, the farther i grow from my friends. i dont value their opinions so much. i dont feel compelled to tell them everything; anything for that matter. as a matter of fact, i cant stand some anymore. i cant deal with selfish bullshit, and drunken pictures. i cant stand how some think they are that much better than the others. i just flat out cant hang anymore. with a 3 year relationship becoming extremely serious, a new apartment, and a family in the near future, i just dont find the joys of tiresome "teen" angst, gossip, bashing, and other child-like behaviors. no thanks but that it in the past. goodbye old life. goodbye old friends. goodbye memories. just goodbye!

2008

2008-12-17T09:35:00.000-08:00

1) Where did you begin 2008?
ummm, i don't even remember. i know it was with mike.

2) What was your marital status by Valentine's Day?
my second valentine's day with mike

3) Were you in school anytime this year?
yes. i finished lincoln tech, and im finishing mcc. then, onto mass college of pharmacy

4) How did you earn your money?
working at mass general and costco pharmacy. i dish out drugs at a small cost!

5) Did you have to go to the hospital?
daily...i worked at mass general hospital.

6) Did you have any encounters with the police?
yes, my car was broken into. so i had to call the cops

8) What did you purchase that was over $1000?
i went on vacation in june. so, i bought my sanity for $1000!!!

9) Did you know anybody who got married?
yes... melinda and joe, derek and pam, alicia and bill, and more that got engaged, jen and james, joe and heidi, chris and his woman, tom and michelle, evan and his fiance, bill and heather...just wondering when it'll be my time...

10) Did you know anybody who passed away?
no actually

11) Did you know anyone who had a baby?
my cousin gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, and my friend vicki is expecting young william before the turn of the year.

12) Did you move anywhere?
sadly no. but mike and i are planning on it!

13) What concerts/shows did you go to?
nine inch nails -- twice!!!, anberlin, beneath the sheets, broken banner, maroon 5 w/ the counting crows & sara barielles

14) Are you registered to vote?
yes i am. it was my 2nd time voting...

15) Who did you want to win Big Brother?
i don't really care

17) Where do you live now?
still in dracut.

18) Describe your birthday?
melissa and mike threw me a surprise bday party! and then we went to newbury port to go drinking. it was awesome!

19) What's one thing you thought you'd never do but did in 2008?
i went back to school, i pierced my lip, and im going snowboarding on saturday!! im trying to take more chances in moderation

20) What has been your favorite moment?
my 2 year anniversary weekend with mike. starting at the phantom gourmet food festival, then driving down to connecticut where we went to the casinos and wine tasting. or, going to the lost gorge with mike. that was so much fun. or putting up the xmas tree with mike in our apartment. or when mike surprised me with a home cooked lobster dinner...but i think snowboarding on new years eve with fireworks will take the cake!

21) What's something you learned about yourself?
as long as i try my hardest, i can always be happy with myself.

22) Any new additions to your family?
none...yet...maybe a puppy in 2009. test run for kids.

23) What was your best month?
september!!

24) What music will you remember 2008 by?
anything sarah barielles! i love her. i feel like when i listen to her, i can just relate

25) Who has been your best drinking buddy?
ummmm, im gonna have to say austin, colin, and dani! hahaha!!

27) New friend?
several! austin, colin, dani, evan

28) Favorite Night out?
sushi with everyone!!!!!

29) Do you think 2009 will be better or worse?
i think it will be better. hopefully i will be accepted to pharmacy school, michael and i will have a place of our own. i will graduate middlesex. and maybe an engagement come our 3 year anniversary. these are my hopes and dreams. and i feel like i finally have a solid direction with the most amazing man by my side. i dont think i could be any happier!!

3rd - 1st day back to college

2008-09-03T08:03:00.000-07:00

hopefully, 3rd time's a charm. ::crosses fingers::

woke up at 7 this morning to my freshly cleaned, spacious, re-done studio. perhaps this year will be better now that i have a brighter perspective on school. my routine was normal. ate breakfast so i wouldn't get the hungry/nervous gurgles in my belly. didn't care what i wore today, after all, this is my third, first day back to school and lets face it, no one really cars. i don't have anyone to impress. i packed my bag the night before. only things i needed were munchies, and sneakers for when i go to work after school.

first day back is the busiest. 2 classes and a lab to be completed all by 2:30. the first class always is the worst. my english class consisted of a big circle of student bodies half coherent from being 8:30AM. we interviewed another person and then had to introduce them to class. from just sitting there, already the thought of "man, i should've skipped," came to mind. old habits die hard i guess.

to be honest, i feel like a failure. it's my second time around waiting for my school ID. my second time around for getting a library card, which came to $10.20 worth of fines from a research paper i borrowed books 3 years ago (...and returned on time might i add). already, school is turning out to be disappointing.

doesn't help that i must make 3 - $500 payments for my tuition. just knowing what my bills would cost was egging on dropping all of my classes and crawling back to mass general.

i guess if i can pull it together this semester will be a triumph.

until then...

Not All That Glitters Is Gold

2008-04-28T13:07:00.000-07:00

Ahh Boston. The "Medical Capital of the World." I work in one of the world's most prestigious hospitals - Massachusetts General Hospital. I've been here since January 14 of this year. I must say, where I thought I belonged isn't where I want to be. In the past few months, I've grown stress, and very tired. And in the last 3 weeks, I've filed a sexual harrasment complaint.

For anyone that has gone through this, you know that it is very degrading. I wake up every morning wondering if what I'm wearing will provoke comments. Is this shirt low cut? Is what I'm wearing flattering? Does this make me look sexy? Its sad when khakis, a T shirt, glasses, and my hair up in a pony tail, face with no make up, gets the comments I do.

The hypocracy is to much to bear. Kim, while you're in the middle of doing something, please go do a million other things so the rest of our staff can sit and do nothing because they are friends with your boss.

I'm always more than willing to do my fair share, and if I'm not busy, I feel useless. Therefore, always finding something to do - bottles to put away, totes to be filled, pills to be double counted, insurance claims to be fixed, or new prescriptions to type. I always smile and let everything roll off.

"Remember," I say to myself, "don't take things personally." But how can't you, when patients throw medications at you, and scream in your face saying "You don't do your job." How can't you when you have a pharmacist telling you that you're sexy and voluptious. How can't you, when you have a bitchy pharmacist underming the quality of work I do.

How can you not take it personally when you put your heart and soul into your job and get nothing in return but shit? How can I still care about people that are so unappreciative? And if your answer is that I get paid to, I guess I'm nothing more than a prostitute of the health care system.

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

2008-04-11T12:10:00.000-07:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I NEED A VACATION!

What's in store for 2008

2008-01-08T10:45:00.000-08:00

So far, 2008 feels the same at 2007.

Yesterday, I had the joy of calling my career services councelor at school to tell her that I would no longer need her shitty assistance. How many times do you need to hear "NO" to RiteAid? I don't want the job. It pays crap and I don't want to deal with MA Health insurance on a bi-minute basis. Carol, the councelor, was shocked and amazing that I'd landed myself a job at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston. She told me I was a ground breaker for that school. But honestly, it's nothing the school prepared me for. And it's great to know I did everything on my own. I didn't ask people I knew for a job nor did I rely on daddy's connections either. I feel accomplished and excited. Not only did I get an offer from MA General, but also North Shore Medical, Harvard Vanguard, and Boston's Children's Hospital. :)

I'm also trying to become healthier. Salad and special k cereal are my newest changes to my diet. I've been trying to do atleast 30 mins of cardio each day. I feel much better and have more energy.

My sister's make over has inspired me to do the same. After all, with a new job, comes a new wardrobe. I'm trying to purchase more basic mix and match pieces. Thank goodness for New York & Company. It's nice to find pants that actually fit me without any alterations. Sweaters and more dress pieces are a must. I feel more confident and ready to enter my career with a bang!

The biggest year for me yet!

2007-12-26T07:52:00.001-08:00

If I were to write a book of my life, 2007 would be my most intense chapter. In 2007, so much has happened. I'm not just saying this because 2008 is closing in. I'm saying this because it's the truth. I see my friends doing the same thing day in and day out. Working stiffs, slaving over that 9-5 job and then sitting in traffic as the precious time passes them by.

Last holiday season was hard to endure. With the restaurant closing, I watched as our Ding Ho family comprised of all the happy little Chinese cooks, waitresses, and my immediate family finding themselves with out jobs. It was hard to go through. It was hard answering questions about why the restaurant closed, and even harder letting it all go. As much as I hated the business consuming my parents' lives, I still loved what it meant to me. It's a place I could go where I knew I could find my family. Even my grandmother worked with us. It was home. I watched as my parents went on unemployment. I worried for them. What would happen to the family? What would happen to our home? What would happen to me?

Last Thanksgiving, my dad and I butted heads as usual. He hated me working dead end jobs. So on a whim, I enrolled at Lincoln Technical Institute in Lowell. I was to become a pharmacy technician. At first, I didn't know if I even wanted to be in that program. But as the modules rolled by, I grew to love it.

In 2007, my relationship with Michael was almost at an end. But I learned to become a bigger person, as my sister would say. Regardless, I loved my Michael whole hearted. And because of that, we're stronger today. I'm grateful for him and for his support through the past year. He's been my rock.

March came. My grandmother was diagnosed with cancer. The doctors gave her 3 months to live. It's funny how you think someone will live forever. God, we joked that she'd out live me. She was almost 90. She was a strong woman. It's hard to realize she's gone. Her and I never got along. All the years that I'd get punished for my brother's wrong doings. All the Saturday morning lectures she'd give us which was like listening to a recording over and over. The crazy folk tales she'd tell us of the old country. Tigers eating baby girls in the mountains and the thunder god kicking off our heads for not eating every grain of rice. Such nonsense. As the cancer spread, I found myself with the responsibility of taking care of her. My cell phone would be on at all times. Making calls to the house to make sure she was alright and comfortable was automatic. I'd leave class early to give her morphine and a glass of water, and tuck her in at night. Telling her that I'd see her in the morning. Though my grades suffered for my absence, it was an honor to take care of my family. It was so painful watching someone once so strong, to slip into elderly infancy. Constantly needing help to walk and eat whether she'd accept it or not.

My whole family came from all over to spend time with her. And we had a dinner to honor her life and my family. She was happy. I remember she kept worrying where my sister and I were before. And the night of the dinner she met Michael and she met Mark. It was nice to know she approved of them. She kept telling us to make sure we cooked for them and to keep the family well fed. Silly things like that I never understood. I remember my aunt went to a psychic a few years back after my grandfather passed in 1997. My grandfather told my aunt that he couldn't go anywhere because he passed away at my aunt's house but he couldn't visit my grandmother because Luke, my dog, wouldn't let him in. Turns out, my grandmother never burned his passport. My grandmother passed on July 4th right after the fireworks when everyone went home. In Chinese culture, fireworks ward off the evil spirits allowing safe passage for the traveling souls. I got a phone call from my brother no soon than my arrival at my apartment.

In 2007, my dad was offered at full time job. My mom went back to school. Things were alright without the restaurant. I turned 21 this year. Most people say it's no big deal. To me, it marks my entrance into adult hood. And to officially mark it, I got a tattoo to honor my family.

I graduated school with a 3.79 GPA. I passed my National Certification Exam. My dad and I are closer than ever. Michael and I are happily in love. And I have an offer to work at Mass General Hospital.

For Christmas, my dad finally said that he was proud of me. Mike gave me a promise ring. Life is finally falling into place. I couldn't ask for a more perfect Christmas!

2008 is going to be a great year!! I look forward to it with open arms!

when is it time to call it quits

2007-10-09T07:55:00.000-07:00

all my life i've been a quitter. i gave up on things that always had potential. even things like music and art that i had a passion for didn't seem to hold my attention for to long. i've always given the piece of advice, if you're not happy, time shouldn't be the factor holding you back regardless. in my last relationship, everything was completely wrong. i gave it my all, i gave him my heart, i gave him everything that was ever asked and more. after hitting that one year mark, the last few months, my ability to feel emotions had numbed. and no matter how many nights i cried myself to sleep, and all the time i spent with a smile on my face convincing not only others but attempting to convince myself that i was happy and in love. the day he broke up with me, scarred me. i can't remember what day it was. some time in june i believe. but the beginning of that summer was one big blur of tears and tissues. it was hard looking back on the past year and few months. i had given all i could to a lost cause. i didn't know when to quit. 2 years later, i still don't know when to quit. i love him so much, but it's so hard. i keep thinking that with time things will get easier...for him and for myself. it's hard to talk about things without thinking about it. and it's selfish of me to ask that he not talk about it regardless of whether he regularly does or doesn't. instead of considering how he feels, he worries more about me. i love him so much and i know every relationship has hardships. this just seems to last all the time. i guess the bottom line is, i'm mad because i have to suffer for his mistakes and his selfishness. i'm upset at the sacrifices i make. i'm angry at his stupidity. but i love him. i just don't know what to do with myself.

new plan in life

2007-09-25T07:39:00.000-07:00

as many of you know, for the past year, i've been going to school to become a certified pharmacy technician. i'm happy to say, i've completed the courses...the book work at least but now it's time for my knowledge to go to good use.

i started my extern ship yesterday at Walgreen's in tewksbury. i met adam, the sr. tech who was a little older than i was, sabby, a 5th year pharmacy major who goes to mcphs and graduated from lowell high, sang who is a 4th pharmacy major, and dan, the pharmacist on duty.

i was the least experienced and least knowledgeable person there. i didn't like it. dan automatically assumed that i didn't know what i was doing. the steps i didn't know, but i have studied therapeutics I, II, and III, calculations and dosages I and II, medical law and ethics, medical terminology, and compounding. i know more than the average tech when it comes to book stuff. i know what drugs are used for what. i know what dosage to give someone. i know how to do iv flow rates and drop factors. i know how to compound and prepare ivs. but i hated that fact it still wasn't enough to impress him. i asked in depth, relavent, serious questions BUT nothing!

as i was working, i listened to sabby give patient counceling and i thought to myself, i want to do that. i want to be knowledgeable. i want to be able to understand what makes medicine tick, the chemistry, the theraputic nature of a drug and how to utilize it. i want to do research and create medicines. i want to be a pharmacist.

so now i sit here, thinking to myself about everything that i'll have to do to get there. first off, i need to pay back middlesex the money i owe them. then, i have to finish the classes i left which will be another semester. then, when i move to florida, i have to transfer my credits to palm coast community college to finish my associates degree in chemistry. then, i have to take the pcat exam, apply to a pharmacy school, and proceed to bust my but for the 6 years it takes to get a pharm d degree. it is doable? yes. do i have the ability? yes. i know i'm very smart. but i have to apply myself. and i have to ensure that school comes first, which i've never been good at. but it's what i want. so it's what i have to do.

i hope i'll have enough support!

plans. fears. reality. just life.

2007-09-07T07:33:00.000-07:00

Life is what you make of it. I agree. but what if you don't know how to improve the way you are and in turn, not really living the life you want to lead.
Reading my sister's blog about dreams, it makes me wonder what is the perfect balance. Kate is worried that she is sacrificing everything for work. She worries that the point of settling down has already passed her by. Me, on the other hand, has never wanted conformity. I never went to college. It just wasn't for me, but I find myself to be uneducated and shallow. A part of me wants what my sister has. I want to be able to say that I have my doctoral and that I will make a difference in many lives. Motivation, however, is lacking. I know I don't like working for things. Six years is such a long time to be a pharmacist and even now, I still doubt going into the pharmacy tech program.
If you know me, you are aware of my nature. I am an always changing, constant. Let me explain. I have never had a set goal in life. I know the end result will be the same no matter what just because everyone has the same goal: a house, a husband, 2 kids, a dog, and vacations every year. I want this because I'm conditioned to want this. Deep down, I do but getting there is sticky. How do you know when you are content with who you are? On a whole, most people like themselves. If you don't, you use the resentment and change who you are for the better. And if you are among the few that can't cope and make life changing alterations, you (and this is not cheep shot or to point fingers or to say the decisions were wrong) end up cutting, drinking, abusing substances, or killing yourself. But really, how do you know when you are happy with the way you are and the way life is going?
Let's take my life in prospective. Mike and I have been together now for almost a year. Most of that time, we've been living together. Yes, living...as in buying groceries, toilet paper, cooking, and financial hardships. Emotionally, when it comes to love, it's whole hearted on both sides, but when resentment and anger hits, it's brutal. We already have plans to buy a house in Florida in a year or less. School is almost done. I have one week left and then my extern ship. In the end, I can see us married living a dream that wasn't ours to begin with. Now, most people I know would kill to see themselves in my situation. But honestly, I'm 21. I'm not suppose to be set for the rest of my life until at least 27. So how do I slow things down? I want more. I want to travel and enjoy life before I sign myself to a house to be paid off in 30 years.
With everything happening so fast, is there really more to life than the past 21 years of my life? I'm living the life of a 30 year old. To be honest, I don't like my life so much. I wish I were smarter, healthier, more driven, and more personable.
I feel like I cheated at the game of life. I feel like I took short cuts...and eventually I will regret not finishing school and rushing into too many things too fast. Life is spinning around me, and I'm afraid I'll just fall.