plans. fears. reality. just life.

Life is what you make of it. I agree. but what if you don't know how to improve the way you are and in turn, not really living the life you want to lead.
Reading my sister's blog about dreams, it makes me wonder what is the perfect balance. Kate is worried that she is sacrificing everything for work. She worries that the point of settling down has already passed her by. Me, on the other hand, has never wanted conformity. I never went to college. It just wasn't for me, but I find myself to be uneducated and shallow. A part of me wants what my sister has. I want to be able to say that I have my doctoral and that I will make a difference in many lives. Motivation, however, is lacking. I know I don't like working for things. Six years is such a long time to be a pharmacist and even now, I still doubt going into the pharmacy tech program.
If you know me, you are aware of my nature. I am an always changing, constant. Let me explain. I have never had a set goal in life. I know the end result will be the same no matter what just because everyone has the same goal: a house, a husband, 2 kids, a dog, and vacations every year. I want this because I'm conditioned to want this. Deep down, I do but getting there is sticky. How do you know when you are content with who you are? On a whole, most people like themselves. If you don't, you use the resentment and change who you are for the better. And if you are among the few that can't cope and make life changing alterations, you (and this is not cheep shot or to point fingers or to say the decisions were wrong) end up cutting, drinking, abusing substances, or killing yourself. But really, how do you know when you are happy with the way you are and the way life is going?
Let's take my life in prospective. Mike and I have been together now for almost a year. Most of that time, we've been living together. Yes, living...as in buying groceries, toilet paper, cooking, and financial hardships. Emotionally, when it comes to love, it's whole hearted on both sides, but when resentment and anger hits, it's brutal. We already have plans to buy a house in Florida in a year or less. School is almost done. I have one week left and then my extern ship. In the end, I can see us married living a dream that wasn't ours to begin with. Now, most people I know would kill to see themselves in my situation. But honestly, I'm 21. I'm not suppose to be set for the rest of my life until at least 27. So how do I slow things down? I want more. I want to travel and enjoy life before I sign myself to a house to be paid off in 30 years.
With everything happening so fast, is there really more to life than the past 21 years of my life? I'm living the life of a 30 year old. To be honest, I don't like my life so much. I wish I were smarter, healthier, more driven, and more personable.
I feel like I cheated at the game of life. I feel like I took short cuts...and eventually I will regret not finishing school and rushing into too many things too fast. Life is spinning around me, and I'm afraid I'll just fall.